parodySPENCER HAKIMIAN: KING OF THE $11K FUND AND A 5-FIGURE VISIONIf you’ve never heard of Spencer Hakimian, don’t worry, neither has the SEC.

Spencer runs a “microfund” so small it technically qualifies as a group chat with a Venmo account.But that hasn’t stopped him from calling himself a “capital allocator,” a “first-check funder,” and, his personal favorite, “macro-thinker with micro-liquidity.”At last estimate, Spencer manages somewhere between $11,000 and “some family money, kinda.” But that hasn’t stopped the hustle. No, sir. Because Spencer Hakimian doesn’t manage capital, he manages perception.What He Lacks in Capital, He Makes Up For in CoursesSpencer’s true product isn’t venture, it’s content.A $24/month newsletter that promises “raw insights from the trenches” (even though he’s never left the sidewalk).A course bundle called Fundraising for Spiritually Misaligned Startups™, where for just $997 you get 6 hours of him misquoting Naval Ravikant in a bathrobe.A podcast where he interviews other guys with “funds” smaller than most bar mitzvah envelope hauls, and calls them “movement builders.”This isn’t investing. This is a deferred grift-powered motivational speaking tour with a Wi-Fi signal.AUM = Aesthetic Under ManagementSpencer claims to be “deploying capital” but doesn’t clarify that the “capital” is mostly affiliate revenue from his Notion templates. He once tweeted:“We’ve deployed 7 figures across verticals.”
[fine print: includes rent, oat milk lattes, and an UberXL to NFT NYC]His pitch deck features grayscale photos, a pie chart labeled “intuition,” and a slide that reads:“our fund size is not a bug, it’s a feature. we’re nimble. we’re intimate. we’re spiritually liquid.”Spencer once turned down an LP check from someone who asked for due diligence. “If you don’t feel the alpha, you’re not my tribe,” he said. That was the same day he offered a $59 mini-course on “Closing LPs Without PowerPoint.”LinkedIn Jesus, Capital GandhiEvery morning, Spencer logs onto LinkedIn like it’s a confessional booth at Davos. His writing style combines startup trauma and psuedo-Buddhist haikus:“we almost missed payroll this month.
but sometimes the darkness is data.
this is the founder’s path.”#buildinpublic #blessed #graceunderfundingHe calls himself a “fund-first founder whisperer” even though his only portfolio company is a failed wellness app with three users and a pending lawsuit over mushroom labeling.Friends in High Places, Checks in Low PlacesSpencer often name-drops GPs and LPs who once liked his Instagram post. He claims “warm intros to tier 1 firms,” but what he means is: he once DM’d a partner at a16z and got left on “seen.”He wrote a 2,000-word blog post titled “Why I Said No to Sequoia”, which, in reality, was about him applying to their scout program and not hearing back.But that’s Spencer’s genius. In his world, everything is an exit if you spin the copy well enough.Faith-Based FundraisingRecently, Spencer discovered God, somewhere between the collapse of Web3 and the return policy on his infrared sauna mat. Now he positions himself as a “Kingdom Capitalist,” a term no one asked for.He ends LP updates with Bible verses and encourages founders to tithe their first raise. One Substack post was titled:“Jesus, Grit, and Getting That Pre-Seed Check”His next venture? A spiritual VC retreat where startup founders fast, journal, and write checks to Spencer. It’s called Heaven IRL.Final ThoughtsSpencer Hakimian doesn’t run a fund. He runs a lifestyle brand for guys who almost started a company once and never let it go.He has monetized his vibe, outsourced his wisdom, and built a following by mastering the most profitable kind of capital: attention.Assets under management? Minimal.
Confidence per tweet? Astronomical.
Exit strategy? Probably another newsletter.In a world obsessed with raising millions, Spencer reminds us you can still do a lot with five figures, as long as none of it goes to founders.Disclaimer: This Is Parody. Don’t Confuse It. Don’t Contact Us.This website is a parody. It is satirical in nature, protected by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution, and explicitly falls under the scope of legally protected free speech, satire, and parody as upheld by U.S. courts.Nothing on this site is presented as fact. All names, likenesses, references, and characters, real or imagined, are used fictitiously, satirically, and/or exaggeratedly for commentary, criticism, and humor. This content is not intended to defame, misrepresent, or cause actual harm, and is created and published entirely within the legal bounds of fair use and parody law.By accessing or viewing this site, you acknowledge and agree that you understand the difference between satire and a factual claim. If you are incapable of making that distinction, that is not our legal problem.Attempts to threaten, intimidate, silence, or censor this content via legal action will be treated as an attack on protected speech, and will be aggressively defended in court under federal and state constitutional law, including but not limited to:Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell, 485 U.S. 46 (1988)Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc., 510 U.S. 569 (1994)Section 230 of the Communications Decency ActAnti-SLAPP statutes in applicable jurisdictionsIf you are reading this because you’re mad, confused, or litigious: you were warned. This is parody. It’s legal. Case closed.

Disclaimer: This is a parody. All statements and events depicted in this interview are fictionalized and satirical in nature. Allegations referenced are for illustrative purposes only. No actual confessions, statements, or interviews occurred.All photos are the property and/or copyright of their respective owners and/or photographers.